You want to get serious about finding a partner.
You’ve done a lot of dating, and you’ve met a lot of the ‘wrong’ people.
You keep choosing people who just want to have a rebound, or have sex, or they just feel plain ‘wrong’ to you and each time it’s ended, you’ve felt rejected, used and fed up.
Each time you’ve wondered what it is about you.
And each time you’ve vowed at the core of your being: “NEVER, EVER again”,
but you’ve found yourself back there, AGAIN.
So you’re fluxomated, you want to find a long term relationship, you know you have to start dating, and you know you have to do something radically different, the only problem, you’ve NO IDEA what exactly.
Firstly, IT IS WITH YOU.
But not in the way you think.
It’s not that there is something deeply wrong with you.
It’s that all of us have an invisible set of beliefs that we carry around with us, and which play a part in every decision we make, big and small.
These beliefs run circles around you (they’re cunning, they catch us all out).
You can yearn for an intimate and deep relationship, but you can still unconsciously find ways to sabotage it.
I’ve created an avatar client (Taylor) as an example.
Taylor is in her twenties. She’s bright and ambitious, and she sees herself as pretty self aware.
Taylor works crazy hours in the tech industry. When she’s not doing this, she’s out with her female friends.
She has little time in her schedule for dates. She usually sets up dates about two weeks away. She keeps telling herself that when the right man comes along, she’ll make space in her schedule for him. He never has come along.
Taylor’s invisible set of beliefs are about men.
Taylor doesn’t feel like her dad is really interested in her life. He is also distant. He’s busy marrying a new partner and enjoying his career. Taylor doesn’t think too much about it day to day, as “that’s just how dad is”.
HOWEVER Taylor’s unconscious experience, also day to day, is that men haven’t brought much into her life, and that they are emotionally inadequate and useless. This is why her emotional intimacy is always with girlfriends.
Taylor has unconsciously created a hectic work and socialising schedule where there isn’t any space for a man.
She’s tried to protect herself rejection, but she’s also unfortunately devised a self fulfilling prophecy where these men get fed up of waiting two weeks for that date, and not really getting to know her, and so they might sleep with her, but end up rejecting her.
And so because Taylor’s invisible beliefs trip the relationship up early on, she never has the opportunity to see that some men can and WANT to be there for her.
Taylor also has a pattern of trying to win back the elusive man, the one who can’t be for there for her. This is because he unconsciously reminds her of dad.
This again affirms her beliefs about men.
Therapy is where you can get to grips with WHY dates are not turning into long term relationships, and get clarity about what you need to do differently.
In the meantime, here are some ways to start dating more consciously:
1) Watch for the people you say “yes” and “no” to. Is it the sweet guy or girl who gets the “no”? And the exciting but unavailable lady who gets a second date? Keep a dating journal and make a record of who gets a green light, and who doesn’t. At the end of every month look for any patterns and write about them.
2) Work through your paternal relationships (it’s not sexy work, and it’s such a predictable suggestion to warrant a yawn, go ahead and yawn away, and then pay attention). What did you dad or mum teach you about men or women, and what you can expect from them?
3) Reflect on your old partners. What attracted you to them? Did they remind you of your mum or dad? Sometimes we choose people who are like our parents as a way of working through our relationship with them; as deep down we hope for a different scenario. Finally, you can win mum’s affection.
4) Look at what you accused old partners of doing. Was it being distant, unavailable, guarded, uncommitted? Were you too doing these things too? We tend to prefer to see uncomfortable parts of ourselves in other people, which actually prevents us from being more self aware and working through them.
When you track your invisible beliefs you can start to see them more clearly, and you can find that long term relationship.
If you get the sense that some of your invisible beliefs are still running the show, and you still really desire a long term relationship then I’m nudging you to schedule a consultation.
If you’re getting fed up, and feeling hopeless, or apathetic about dating then I also urge you to schedule a consultation with me.